Well the new year has started.  2009 didn’t end very well, so I’m hoping this will be a better year.  So far it’s off to a decent start.

First off, I’m going back to culinary school.  I’m focusing on patisserie and baking this time.  I fell in love with it during my last stint in school.  I’ve finally got all the funding approved, now it’s just a matter of getting all my transcripts in and evaluated and getting the financial aid transcript from DeVry (the slowest company on the planet).  Classes start on Feb 15, so there is time.  My financial aid rep says that if they don’t receive it this week, there is an affidavit I can fill out and they can just move on from there.

I’ve been a little scatter-brained lately.  Not sure what is going on there.  I’m finding I have to keep more lists.  I have to write down simple things like, was the dishes, shave, take a shower, make the bed, feed the cats, etc.  I think I will mention this to both doctors on my next visits.

So, way back in 1989, I was living in Phoenix and through a friend of mine met this guy from New York.  He seemed like a decent guy, even though he did have kind of a “New York Attitude”, but having been to New York before and experiencing it, I was prepared for it, so it didn’t bother me.  I really only remember a little bit about him.  He was almost as skinny as me at the time (I weighed 140 pounds at the time — he has the pictures to prove it) and I remember he was very hairy (big bushy hair, hair sticking out of his shirt, and hairy arms).  This is of course my memory, not necessarily fact.

Through the magic of Facebook, I discovered him again through a mutual Facebook friend.  I saw he was living in Chicago now.  How cool.  So I of course sent him a message and we wrote back and forth a few times.  One of sent a friend request, I don’t remember who sent it, but that’s not important.  We’ve been talking quite a bit over the week, so I thought, well we have a few things in common, we should meet in person.  I can always use more friends, especially foody friends.

So he came to dinner last night and we talked a lot.  I had a good time.  It was fun to re-meet him.  Sadly I couldn’t think of any really personal questions to ask him because I had not had a chance to do as much homework as he had.  He found my blog on the Internet and had read at least most of it (not hard since I don’t write very often).  It had been a very busy week for me, so I only got to read about a week or two of entries from him.  Since he’s a professional blogger, there is way more content to sift through on his multiple blogs.  (I’m still reading through.  It may take me a couple months to get through it all.)

Dinner itself was pretty mediocre.  I got up late, so there was no time to make bread as I had planned.  I found a nice olive loaf at Dominick’s thankfully.  I baked a key lime pie, but I ended up and overbaked it by about 5 minutes.  It came out a little grainy around the edges.  I was totally distracted when I started the chicken.  I somehow totally forgot to put onion and garlic in the sauce.  And the tablespoon of dijon mustard that was intended for the vinaigrette for the salad ended up in my sherry cream sauce.  Interesting results to say the least.  It was bad, but it was definitely not “beautiful food” as Anne Burrell would say.

I went all over town trying to find yellow tomatoes for my salad.  No luck.  So I ended up and just used red grape tomatoes.  I was also going to toast some pecans with some chili powder, cumin, butter, and sugar to add to the salad and I forgot.  I also forgot to grill the asparagus.  It’s still in the fridge.  Guess I should have made one of those lists for dinner.  At least my guest ate enough to be polite.  He probably stopped at McDonald’s across the street on his way home.  LOL

I am rubbish at keeping up with this.  I just don’t have something to say everyday.

I found this quote somewhere online.  I forgot where I found it now or who said it, but I liked it.

I choose to feel good about myself each day. Every morning I remind myself that I can make a choice to feel good.

I should stick that to my computer.

So much has been going on lately.  I don’t even know where to start.  I’m a medical leave from work.  I was suffering from suicidal ideation, so I checked into the hospital for a week.  It didn’t provide me what I was seeking, but I did get a break from my life for a week and a chance to think and reflect and make some decisions about my life.

I have suffered badly from procrastination since I got home.  I can’t seem to motivate myself to do several things that need to get done.  I did get myself enrolled in an intensive outpatient therapy program in addition to my regular weekly therapy.

I’ve been seeing a new psychiatrist.  I like him.  He’s very personable and seems to genuinely care about my health and well-being.  He has changed my medication which has made a tremendous difference in both my mental and physical health.

I enjoy listening to some of the people in my treatment program.  Some of them have very profound things to say.  Some of them also have some very inconsequential things to say that seem to affect me anyway.  Two things I have taken from this one particular guy.  (I’m not going to mention names to protect people’s privacy.)  This guy says affirmations to himself on a regular basis.  I don’t know if they are daily or not.  But he says it has been working for him in improving his self-esteem.  I thought “why not?  It can’t hurt.”  So I went to Border’s today and bought a couple books of daily affirmations.  I forget the author’s name.  Lousie somebody?  Hay?  I’m not sure.  Anyway, I flipped through them in the store and like some of the messages.  I’m going to try to read one from each book everyday and post it on my Facebook status update.

There is another guy in the group that has a lot of similar issues to me.  He is also HIV+ and also bipolar.  Neither of us seem to have any chemical addiction issues, so that is a plus.  He seemed very down in the group yesterday and sounded like he was going to spend his entire weekend alone.  I invited him to come hang out with out me for a few hours tonight to watch a movie, maybe play yahtzee and just talk.  No pressure; no ulterior motives.  I just want to get to know him a little and see if a friendship is worth pursuing.  He seems very nice and polite and a little shy.  I tend to be a little shy too, so hopefully we will manage to have a conversation and not just stare around the room the whole time.  I gave him my number and told him to call me today if he felt like coming to hang out.  I hope he calls.

I have managed to buy two Christmas presents so far.  I don’t know how many I’m going to be able to buy this season, but I’m doing my best.  We’ll see how it goes.

I can’t really think of anything else worth sharing so I guess that’s all of my ramblings for today.  Until next time.  Whenever that might be.

I just have not felt like sharing lately.  If you missed me, I’m sorry.  If you didn’t, I’m not surprised.

I started HIV HAART in August.  I just got my blood results back and my viral load is already undetectable after just one month on medication.  I’ve also lost another 9 pounds.  Exactly 55 pounds now.  I am pleased with that.  I’m hoping to have lost another 5 pounds by the time I leave for Oregon in a few weeks.  I am SO CLOSE to fitting in my size 36 jeans.  I haven’t worn those since 1997.

Not really a whole lot else going on that I want to share in this space.  Stuff is going on, but some things are just best to keep to myself.  Let’s just say, I’m having a lot more phone and being less shy.

I’m at work right now, so I will try to remember to post some more recent pictures when I get home.

Here is one, but I have some others that I can share.

Here’s a recent photo.  Well a month and half old now.  But still…..

June 9, 2009 - Not a very good photo.

This is the first time in many years that I have gone to a Pride Parade.  And this year I didn’t go to spectate, I went to march.  I passed out over 1000 condoms (there were 6 or 8 of us doing it, so about 8000 – 10000 condoms were passed out) over the course of an hour.  We ran out about half way through the parade.  I had a lot of fun, saw a few people I know, and got to hang out with some great people and meet more people from work.

My volunteer gig has been very rewarding for me.  I’m networking like crazy.  I really hope this turns into a full time paid gig at some point.  This is the first place I have worked that I like what I do and I like everyone I work with.  I actually look forward to coming here everyday.

I rode my bike to work yesterday.  I found out I ride at about 10mph and it’s about 110 minutes round trip, which works out to 1425 calories burned.  If I ride at least 3 days per week, that could add up to some serious weight loss.  I didn’t ride today because it was raining and I don’t have fenders.  Something I need to look at getting.  Otherwise my back and ass will be covered with wet muck from the road.  It’s July, it should not be raining.

My niece is coming to visit next week.  I’m excited to see her.  I haven’t seen her since my grandma died at the end of 2006.  Next week is also my friend Brian’s birthday.  Fun festivities are planned.

Hoping to get a chance to talk to Kevin today.  Have to see how his schedule is.

Well back to work.  Hope everyone has a great day.

268 pounds!  YAY!!!!!

I had a really great conversation with Kevin last night.  He told me a little bit about himself, and I talked a little bit about me.  He said I could talk to him about anything and he is in a similar situation, so that really helps.  I think I’m going to share my secret with him.  I feel comfortable doing it.  He is also a cycling enthusiast, so he has said that he, too, will go on rides with me.  And his bf just got a new bike, so perhaps I will get to meet him, too.

I have been very busy lately and trying to have a life.  It seems to be working.  I’ve felt pretty happy and content lately.  I don’t have many friends, but the ones I have I really enjoy.  I’m trying to be more sociable and getting out there and meeting new people.  It’s hard, but I’m trying (yes, I know, I’m very trying).

I’m taking a very big step for me, tomorrow.  I’m marching in the Gay Pride Parade here in Chicago.  I’ll be passing out thousands of condoms to spectators.  I hope people actually use them.  This may not be a big deal to most people, but this is a huge step for me.  I think I am finally starting to conquer my social anxiety disorder.

I had more to say, but it escapes me now.  So perhaps I’d better leave it for another day and just go to bed.

Pleasant dreams.

A good day today.  I got to talk to all four parents today.  Grilled some chicken for Mom and Dale.  Got to talk to Dad on the phone briefly before he had to go to work.  Talked to Rosanne on the computer for a little while today.  Also talked to Dave for a bit and then Miss B (who is coming to see me in a couple weeks).  Spent some time with Brian this morning.

I have really enjoyed the peace and quiet the last few days.  I haven’t had the TV on since John and Larry left on their trip.  Music a few times, but mostly, peace and quiet!

I am so excited to be picking up my bike on Thursday.  I hope the next few days speed by.

I was hoping to get in touch with Craig (baby brother) today, but it didn’t happen.  I did send him a text to tell him Happy Father’s Day since he’s a Daddy now.  I was just looking at the few pictures of the babies I have.  They are getting big fast!  I am really hoping I can go out in October for the birthday fest and see them in person.  I want to see everyone else, too.  Craig and Kaylee said they would pick me up from the airport.  I told Rosanne it wouldn’t kill me to sleep on the floor for a few days.  She’s all worried about it.  It’s only a few days!  Besides, if it gets too uncomfortable, I’ll pull rank and kick Ben off the couch.  LOL

Brian got some new shoes yesterday that are really cool (and really expensive).  I want a pair.  I don’t remember what they are called but the shoes have toes.  They look really comfortable.

Speaking of Brian, his birthday is coming up soon and I have NO idea what to get him for his birthday.  I had some ideas a couple months ago, but those have now gone out the window.  Maybe I’ll find a movie on BluRay for him.  Hmmm.  He’d probably prefer to pick it out himself.  Maybe a gift card then.  I don’t know.  He is absolutely impossible to shop for because he never wants anything and when he does he just goes and buys it instead of saying “I would like this for my birthday (or Christmas).”

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning.  Yuck!  But hopefully they can fix my teeth so they will stop moving around and hurting.  I also have therapy later in the morning.  Lots to talk about tomorrow.  Hope an hour is enough.  After that…. Volunteer job.  Hoping to hear about Best Buy on Wednesday.  Would like to start working on the week of the 28th.  I will also have to make a trip up there on the bike beforehand so I can see how long it will take me to get there.

Today I am grateful that I still have my father, even though he is a thousand miles away.  I miss my grandfather very much.  I would love to talk to him about so many things.  I haven’t seen Dad since 2006.  Just over 3 years.  I’m going to set a goal to try to be there every year for either his birthday or Christmas from now on.

No it’s not New Years, but I did just have a birthday.  One more year closer to a milestone.

So much has been happening lately.  I’m volunteering about 30 hours a week now.  I’m getting ready to start a part-time job.  And I’m changing my major in school.

Therapy has been going well I think.  I finally told my therapist my big secret.  I don’t think we are done talking about it, but it feels better to tell someone.  It will remain a secret to most, at least for now.  Maybe someday I will feel comfortable sharing that part of my story.  But for now, I’m keeping it to myself.  It would hurt a few people if it were exposed, and probably disgust a few, as well.  I hope someday to be able to share it with others to prevent someone else from making the same stupid mistake, but I’m just not ready to talk about it.

I don’t know if I said before, but I’m not having the bariatric surgery (lap band).  I’ve lost about 40 pounds since November 1, 2008.  I’ve been averaging about 2 pounds per week.  All by changing my diet and being just a little more active.  And I’m picking up my bike Thursday, so I am hoping that riding for an hour a day will help toward the weight loss.

This week I am house/dog sitting for some friends.  It seems strange to be in their house without them home.  But I feel mostly comfortable here.  The dogs are being good.  Usually when I sleep over here, I sleep in the spare room.  Because one of the dogs likes to explore the house and eat things he’s not supposed to (like power cords and remote controls), I have to sleep in their bedroom and gate off the living room.  That seems especially odd.  (And their bed is too soft.)

My stepfather is coming back to live with us tonight.  I am happy for my mother.  I hope this makes her happy.  It will be crowded.  But we will manage.

There are three really cute guys at work (the volunteer job).  One I know has a partner, one of the others I think has a partner, and I know the other is single, as he mentioned that yesterday.  Too bad you should never date anyone at work.  The single guy is only 3 years older than me.  If I had met him somewhere else, I might ask him out.

The place I volunteer is a peer based ASO.  I know some of the people are poz, but I know some are also neg.  I think all of the people in the department I work in are all neg.  I’m not used to working around so many gay people.  Everyone in my department is gay.  That has never happened before for me.  They are all amusing people.  And they play fight frequently.  I don’t know how many times I heard this week, “you betta step back or I’ll cut a bitch!”  LOL

Mostly I make safe sex kits for them, but sometimes they have me do some administrative stuff.  I help with some of the paperwork for the HIV testing.  For that, I fill out forms to submit to the Chicago Department of Public Health.  I only see the forms for people who tested negative.  There is no way for me to know who the people are, because their names are not on the paperwork.  Just their date of birth and sometimes the last four digits of their social security number if they choose to give it.  Certainly not enough to know who someone is.  I also enter some information about new volunteers into a database.  I help organize condom parties (we sit around and talk and listen to music and make safe sex kits, eat pizza and gab).  I am also helping with some of the stuff for the North Side HIV Health Coalition.  Sending emails about meetings and trying to find new members from other agencies.  When we get shipments of new t-shirts in, I fold and count them and put them in the cabinet.  So most of the stuff I do is just little things that help out so the staff can do other things.

Yesterday stormed here really bad.  Our block lost power for several hours, there was a lot of flooding, a pipe broke on top of the flooding from the sewers and excess rain, so there was even more flooding.  So we sat by the windows and made safe sex kits all day.  I got to meet some more of the staff.  I think Enid was a drag queen in a former life.  She has the attitude and demeanor.  LOL.  Bruce was very lively and charming and has a cute Corgy named Emma that kept us company.  Derek from education leant a hand.  And there was another staff member helping, but I didn’t catch his name.  He didn’t talk much.  Joe was there and he and Enid exchanged a lot of witty reparte.  Jared was there to tell us funny stories about his pothead skater neighbors.

I’m hoping the volunteer job will lead to a full time permanent employed job.  Never have I enjoyed work so much.  I look forward to going into the office everyday.  I like everyone there.  And I have fun while I am there.  It seems like everyone despises making the safe sex kits, but I enjoy it.

My birthday was pretty quiet.  The Saturday before, a group of us went to Sweet Tomatoes (all you can eat salad bar) for dinner then went to IKEA to walk off dinner.  Wednesday (my actual birthday) Mom took me to El Pollo Loco (TexMex themed fast food chicken place that I like a lot) for dinner.  Got a few cards and a lot of Happy Birthdays on Facebook.  My Dad called me on my birthday.  That shocked me.  I think that is the first time he has ever called me.  I always call him.  I was very happy to hear from him though.  It made my day.

Well, I’d better get off here and get something to eat.  I should break out Larry’s Wii Fit and do some exercise, too.  I’ll have to see if I can find where he keeps the balance board.  I know he has one because I saw the box in the closet.  Hope everyone has a good day.

I had an awesome time today meeting a lot of new people and passing out condoms.  We passed out a little over 3000 condoms today between 11am and 4pm.  And there were only 3 of us for 3 hours, 2 of us for another hour, and me by myself for the last hour.  It was great fun.  I got to see a few people I know.  Got to meet some porn stars.  Robert Van Damme had a booth across from us so I chit chatted with him off and on throughout the day.  He was very friendly.  And he didn’t even try to get me to buy his DVD..  LOL.  He did come over and get a couple of condoms from us.  I told him I noticed the video he was playing on his laptop at his booth and that he’d better take the XL ones.  LOL.  The guy selling tshirts next us was also very friendly and I watched his booth a couple times so he could shop and use the facilities, etc.  It was surprisingly busy considering it was the last day and a lot of people were checking out of the host hotel when I came in.  I think I will volunteer for more days next year.

Went to the doctor yesterday and got my labs.  I was unhappy to learn that my CD4 count is steadily declining.  My doctor isn’t worried because I’m still in the normal range.  I’m disappointed that it went down another 125 points.  I’ve gone from the mid 800s to the low 600s in less than a year.  On the plus side, my viral load went down about 1000 points, so I’m under 5000 copies/ml.

I’ve been fighting a nasty cold the last few days and have not slept well because I have been plagued by bad dreams.  I’ve been dreaming that I have been coming down with nasty OIs that people don’t really get anymore.  In each dream I am laying in a hospital bed.  I am so skinny it’s scary.  In a couple of the dreams I died.  I only know this because the heart monitor flat lines.  I am all alone.  There are no friends and family, no doctors or nurses.  Just me alone in a room.  Not sure where these dreams are coming from, but I hope they go away soon.

Still no luck on the job front.  I’ve been applying but no one is calling me back.  I saw my therapist yesterday, too since he had a cancellation.  He suggested I file for disability for my bipolar disorder.  This is something I have been thinking about for some time.  I just didn’t think my medical providers would get behind me on this one.  But since my therapist suggested it, I came home and applied.  The website says it takes 3 to 5 months to process my application.  In the meantime, I will continue to try to find at least a part time job.

My mom is getting back together with her husband.  He is going to be moving back in with us in a couple months.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I want her to be happy, but it is going to be crowded again.  I really hope that he truly has stopped drinking.  And I hope he makes a serious effort to quit smoking.  And I really hope that he does not keep sleeping in the recliner everytime they have an argument.

I love my mother very much and I’m glad she is here, but sometimes I miss my privacy.  I wish we could afford to live someplace where we were in the same building but in different apartments.  Then I could see my mom everyday and still have dinner with her and hang out, but I could have my privacy and maybe have a man over once in a while.

My old phone was falling apart so I decided to get a new phone.  I got the T-Mobile G1 Android phone.  I like it very much.  I wish it had an application to track my labs on it, but other than that it is very cool.  And it has been very handy.  I’ve used the mapping and gps features a couple times already.  And I really like have access to email and twitter on the go.

Oh and on the weight front.  I think I mentioned that I put off the surgery for a year.  I’ve lost some more weight.  Another 4 pounds.  I am down 27 pounds since November.  I would like for the weight to come off a little faster, but I am very pleased with the progress I have made so far.  My goal for now is to lose 2 pounds per week for the next year.  That will put me somewhere around 175 pounds by my 40th birthday.  That would truly be amazing.  I haven’t been 175 pounds in 15 years.