infinitedge

I am single now for the first time in a long time and though it was a long term relationship; I am not saddened that it is over.  Because everything in life happens for a reason, and this happened for very obvious reasons.

Well, last night I broke up with my partner.

We’ve been together for a long time and I wasn’t sure if I could actually do it, so I wrote it down and just read it…after I blurted out “I can’t be with you anymore…”

I dropped the letter in here…don’t know why, but in case morbid curiosity gets the better of you.

I promise this isn’t like a jerry springer episode, just thought i’d share. 

I have spent so long in our relationship taking care of your problems and worrying about all of the things that you seem to cause…worrying about paying bills, deadlines at work, keeping the house clean…that somewhere along the way I realized that I’m losing me.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  I am so far into the depths of basically just taking care of everything that somewhere along the way it just became expected and not appreciated…and I lost who I am in the process.  So I need to focus on me, and I can’t do that while I’m with you…because you are solely and completely dependent on me in every way.

 I sat up last night while you were in the other room ignoring me and did a lot of thinking.  I’ve learned that throughout our lives we meet people for a reason; for a season; or for a lifetime…and that normally applies to everyone.  We have been through a lot together and somewhere along the way you lost the emotion that I used to feel from you and replaced it with another.  I’m not really sure when it started, but for a long time you have been rude and argumentative for no reason at all.  You can sit and point the finger all day long, but bottom line; I support you in everything and you support me in little.  No its not a money thing…money isn’t shit.  Although if you want to talk about that it was time for you to grow up a long time ago and I think that the reason that you haven’t is that you don’t have a reason to do so.  Why would you?  I pay the bills, clean the house, take care of the animals; so why would you need to do anything…  Basically you take each and every thing that I do for granted apparently because I get little more from you than an argument and a fucking text message.  How many hours a week are you at home while I’m at work and the clothes and things remain the same….. COMMUNICATION, does not count through text messages from another room.  I am not sure how much time that I will have on this earth…a year…10 years…30 years…but no matter the amount of time, I will not spend another day in an unhappy relationship because life is too short for regret.  And I don’t want to look back a year from now and regret it.  I love you more than you can imagine…which is probably why I have put up with so much bullshit from you over the years…drunken arguments that you apologized for the next day…online connections…attitude….laziness around the house….four birthdays from hell, just to name a few.

It takes two…not one holding up the other.

I realize that you pick up around the house a little while i’m at work and I appreciate that…but did you ever stop to notice just how often that you don’t do any of the common courtesy things that used to be there. “let me help you with that,” “no, you sit in the front seat,” “here, I’ll get that for you,” “no, you’re busy with…i’ll do it” It doesn’t matter anymore I guess because you are just used to it being done…

We used to be able to talk about anything…and now if I want to hear anything from you I have to either read it on myspace or be in the room when you’re talking to someone else…otherwise you’ll just say that you told me when you didn’t’.  Contrary to what you may believe…or try to make me believe; I am fully capable of remembering a lot of things and when you did not say something out loud to me and I tell you that….it isn’t to be a dick..its because you didn’t…fucking admit it, apologize and move on….instead you freak out and bitch and start raising your voice because someone questioned you….wtf ever.  You are wrong, hard to believe but you are wrong sometimes.

Yeah we have had some good times together but we have had some bad…and for awhile its been mostly bad.  I will not sit for one more day feeling upset and alone…like I don’t have anyone to talk to…because I really don’t. 

You stopped that quite awhile ago…blame me, blame the virus, blame whatever you want because I know you won’t blame yourself for anything….

You said awhile back when you were drunk and arguing that you were too young to be trapped…well the cage is open baby and you’re free…sorry to have kept you.  And lets not forget my personal favorite, you’re not trying to hook up you’re just making friends because I’ll be dead in a few years anyway.

A relationship takes two…emotionally, financially, domestically….not ONE….

I have spent a lot of time and money picking up the pieces from your mistakes and I will not sit and tread water waiting for you to get your shit together and change…I should have known better than to expect you to change … even if it was just to better our relationship and finances.  You have been given the chance that most never get, to be able to further your education and not worry about the financial part of it…and for what…so that I can pay the bills forever while you bounce majors…and we sit on the edge of living paycheck to paycheck..if even that.

Either way, I was mistaken.  I thought that it was a good idea for us to get back together in November and try to work it out…I was wrong….  You aren’t the man that I married, you have changed and everything is apparently someone or something else’s fault.

…blame me, blame the virus, blame whatever you want because I know you won’t blame yourself for anything….

The only way that you are going to grow up is if you have to…so either you start paying half the bills beginning on the 1^st or I’m moving out and you can figure things out on your own…I have been your crutch for too long and treated like shit despite it.

Sink or swim…

You’ve heard of a Dear John letter…well here’s yours.

Jeremy.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid4464161001?bctid=17782605001

Researchers found that the virus is transferred from infected cells to healthy ones in a previously unknown way.

It is hoped that the discovery will help researchers create a vaccine to combat the virus, which has led to the deaths of more than 25 million people.

The study was made possible after experts created a molecular clone of infectious HIV and inserted a protein into its genetic code which glows green when exposed to blue light.

This allowed scientists to see the cells on digital video, and capture the way HIV-infected T-cells interact with uninfected ones.

They noted that when an infected cell came into contact with a healthy one, a bridge was created between them, called a virological synapse.

Researchers were then able to observe the fluorescent green viral particles moving towards the synapse and into the healthy cell.

The US study has broken new ground by revealing that it is the synapse through which the viral proteins are gathered and moved into uninfected cells.

The team, comprising scientists from UC Davis university in California, and Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, believe that this knowledge could help create new treatments for HIV and Aids.

Study author Dr Thomas Huser, chief scientist at the UC Davis Center for Biophotonics Science and Technology, said: “Our findings may explain why attempts to develop an HIV vaccine have so far been unsuccessful.

“The more we know about this mode of transfer, the better chance we have of figuring out how to block it and the spread of HIV and Aids.”

For decades it was believed that HIV was mostly spread around the body through freely circulating particles, which attach themselves to a cell, take over its replication machinery and make multiple copies of themselves.

In 2004, scientists discovered that cell-to-cell transfer of HIV also occurred via virological synapses, but it was not understood why the process was so effective in spreading the virus.

Due to this, previous efforts to create an HIV vaccine have focused on priming the immune system to recognise and attack proteins of free-circulating virus.

The new video footage indicates that HIV avoids recognition by being directly transferred between cells.

Dr Huser said: “We should be developing vaccines that help the immune system recognise proteins involved in virological synapse formation and antiviral drugs that target the factors required for synapse formation.”

Co-author Benjamin Chen, assistant professor of medicine and infectious diseases at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, added: “Direct T-cell-to-T-cell transfer through a virological synapse is a highly efficient avenue of HIV infection, and it could be the predominant mode of dissemination.”

Further research intends to discover what happens to viral particles once they are transferred into a newly infected cell.

The study’s finding are published in the journal Science

Wrote This Awhile Back…but felt like it deserved to be on top again…

Typically I prefer to think of myself as a pessimistic realist…a term which I pretty much created to explain sarcastic mindset.  Allow me to explain:  Typically I look at life expecting the worst…that way if it happens I’m prepared for it; and if not, then I’m pleasantly surprised.  But yesterday on the bus I was listening to my Ipod and my mind began to wonder….

I posted this on my mylifepositive blog and thought that it had the potential to brighten someones’ day or perhaps make them think for a second.  No matter which of the two it may be…

Enya wrote a beautiful song that had me thinking…dangerous I know; especially when I spend far too much time trapped in my mind to begin with.

Who can say where the road goes,

Where the day flows, only time?

And who can say if your love grows,

As your hearth chose, only time?

Who can say why your heart sights,

As your life flies, only time?

And who can say why your heart cries

when your love lies, only time?

Who can say when the roads meet,

That love might be ,in your heart?

and who can say when the day sleeps,

and the night keeps all your heart?

Night keeps all your heart…..

Who can say if your love groves,

As your heart chose, only time?

And who can say where the road goes

Where the day flows, only time?

Who knows? Only time

Who knows? Only time

Since I have been diagnosed with HIV I have resigned myself to the simple fact that only time can tell; or better said, only time will tell what will happen.  Each day there are new stories that seem like a bright spot on the horizon…a step beyond the treatment to the cure.  It saddens me to think about this though because so many countless lives have been lost to this Global HIV/AIDS Pandemic that the full impact of it on our society as a whole is not fully understood.

Since HIV was first documented as a known illness/virus in 1981, a little over 25 million people have died of AIDS. In the spring of 2005, it was roughly estimated that 4.1 million people were infected with HIV, roughly the same number of people living in the state of Colorado.

For many people only time can tell if there is hope on the horizon…if indeed they will ever actually cure HIV and free millions of people from its wicked grasp.  One thing that is certain is that all of us are living with the disease, not dying with the disease as so many people choose to believe.  I for one refuse to sit idly by, and let whatever amount of time that I may have on this earth be spent in vain.  People take far too much for granted than they realize, and whatever time, no matter how slight; that you may have, should be spent relishing moments of happiness and joy…instead of sitting solemnly, filled with regret, remorse, and self-pity.

Each day that dawns is another, and each time that the sun rises; it rose.  Take a few moments each day and choose to look away from the door that has closed and look for another that has opened.  We spend our lives running a race; get the good job, buy the nice house, get those expensive shoes…everything becomes a me, me me…everyone, and myself included could take a few minutes out of the materialism that we have let take over our lives and look at the things that we take for granted.  It could be something as simple as the sunrise casting a thousand brilliant shades of amber across the morning sky, or even something as ridiculous as how many times you see your neighbors and probably don’t even know their names or anything about them…I know that I don’t; or at least I didn’t until this revelation.

There are so many Simple Things That People Take For Granted that it would be difficult to name them here, so I let Yahoo Answers do the work on that one.

“The trials of live are often difficult and none so much as living it.  (J. Lunceford)” But always remember to stop for a moment and do not take for granted that simple fact…that you are actually living it.  Sometimes it may be hard to see the forest because all of those damn trees are in the way, but each day that dawns is another, and each sun that rises;  has risen for you.

Below is a pic of a new tattoo that I did on myself.