peyton2

I have been visiting “another site” talk about some people. Posts written and deleted, some not being respectful of one another, some just plain crazy, some praising the Lord, all HIV+. I respect that.

For the few that do not know, I am a recovering alcoholic, I drank the way I lived  hard….I sometimes wonder how I have been left so unscathed, I mean I still look fairly good, my liver is in good shape I can speak somewhat intelligently, but looking on the inside lately is showing the picture. I have been sober for a long time now. I am free of the alcohol, but not the cigarettes. It has been my biggest nemisis. I get some clean time, feel good start to run again and blam!! I smoke one of the dreaded weeds, and I am off and smoking again.

I have some early COPD. It scares me, but as I have learned in recovery an addict cannot be scared off from their addiction. So, I have been starting and stopping on a regular basis. I have been acupunctured, hyptnotized, lazered, gone cold turkey, tried Chantix, tried the patch, had an oriental ring placed on my ear… all adnaseum and all in vain. So I was very excited to hear of an Englishman that had an Easy way. A friend told me about a book, he said his brother smoked for over 20 years and stopped using this book. I got sober reading a book, why not try it. So I bought it, I have read it 2x….It will work by all I know I will not smoke again. I have learned a new way to think about the wicked weed. I have been clean of all NRTs and nicotine for a week now. I just stopped!!!!! I have experiences some minor discomfort, I smoked for a long time, but all in all I feel much better and every day brings me closer to a happier life free!!!! To all that wonder how this is possible…I kept an open mind and believed what I read it just made sense I could finally see the truth. I am very happy and I know bwyond a doubt, I am done. I smell better, I sleep better, I may gain a little weight, but I am watching it closely, All in all, I am moving towards a happier life.

For me, shedding these addictions is a good feeling, but also a scary one too. For years, I ran and hid from my feelings, behind something. I am left with just me now nothing to mask the pain, sorrow, happiness or joy. I am learning how to cope. Good job to me….

Today I have successfully been without a drink or a drug for 8 years. Mind altering drug that is. Of course there are the HIV meds. I woke up today in my own apartment warm and safe, it has not always been that way. I am grateful for the chance to live life sober, because when I was drinking I was not safe. My drinking does not include fancy glasses or intellegent talks. It is very ugly. I do not live that way anymore.

My car had to go into the shop yesterday and the bill came back at 691.88 yikes!!! The good news is I have a car that is safe to drive and is all legal. Things are better. I also have a wonderful friend who is always willing to step up and help me when money is low and believe me it always is. My friends were not always of his kind.

Many things have changed for me since I have gotten sober. I got rid of that bum finally after 14 years of his drinking and drugging and cheating. I have even managed to let go of that anger and resentment. Even HIV did not bring it back, because I know today I am the most importasnt person in my life. I take care of me.

I am able to be helpful to folks in my daily job that cannot or will not deal with this virus. I try and get them in safe houses off the streets or just be a listener when they need. All in all my life is good.

I am 8 years old today.

Geez…I have not been on here in a long time…not on THAT site for a time too..some times I just do not do anything. But as someone has suggested blogging is really for me and I like that part..

There has been lots to blog about just me blocking it. My relationship is okay, we are golden so why do I worry so much??? He is older and I worry about what will happen if he dies????How selfish is that??? We do not live together, I am too set in my ways for that, I pay my own way, but still the worry. I should be thinking of him not me. He is having problems with his age factor, I boost him up and boost him up. I am running out of things and ways to make him feel better. Probably because he has to do that for himself….or not. Anyway, I will keep on trying…I guess what is really bothering me is he told me he doesn’t really want to hear about my days anymore they are too depressing for him. I guess to a layperson they are. Sometimes, to me it is all in a day’s work and I do not mean to sound flip. I have had to learn to detach or loose my mind. I guess that is the basis for me being on here today. It was an awful day. One of my old clients came in, I had not seen her for over a year. She weighed in at 77 lbs. Her option? meds or hospice. It’s really bad. I love this woman, she was at clinic when my skinny as* showed up and she gave me encouragement. Then her addiction and low self esteem took over and she was gone. So I spend over an hour with her, we laughed we cried we hugged we can only hope she comes back.    From that room into another….28 year old found out this morning she is pregnant and +. Well despondent is a word to describe her. Numb, that brought me right back to my diagnosis. The guy the father and I am assuming the one that infected her, took off and left her at clinic. No ride home, no money , if anyone reads this and prays to anything pray for her…she is in real bad shape. Left me feeling raw and exposed all over again every day I live this stuff and some days I just come home and bolt the door and cry. From there, right into a class, ours is a teaching hospital so I do get all the residents that come through. After an hour of once again retelling my life, one of them asked me if there was ever any time I forget I am HIV positive. Is there NO I never forget, even when I sleep I remember. Then when all was said and done, on to have a mammogram done what a great way to end the day!!!! Now my boobs hurt too. That was crass but very truthful. So I came home, it’s snowing here and decided to go for a run…gotta release it somehow. So I ran 6 miles to and from.

World AIDS Day I spent in prison. I spoke to 358 women it felt good. I only pray 1 heard me. Am I done yet???

I work in an inner city clinic specializing in HIV/AIDS. Every day is something new. Some days are painful, some are happy, some are a mixture of both.

This morning a woman went into labor, was taken to the hspt. delivered a baby boy 5lbs 8oz. The baby ius already addicted because the mother had been unable to stoip using her drug of choice completely during the pregnancy. But I think he has a good chance not to be infected because she did keep her apts and did take HIV meds during her term. Some minor victories are always welcome.  There is also a 22 year old I have been dealing with, very sad and I hope will not be lost to us. Already AIDS defined and in a terrible living situation. My job is to counsil and give comfort and direction, I do not play a big part in the Social work dept. I am called in to help at times but I do not place people in transitional housing. not that there is much avaliable at this time. Days go on and on. Some days I just come home shut and lock the door, I am so worn out. I love my job. There are times I really do feel I make a difference and because of my past life it is very important for me to do so. Enough about work.

I have been reading about this situation in Indonesia regarding tagging of HIV + people with microchips. At first, I had mixed feelings because I was infected by an “‘aggressive offended”. Then, I thought some more on the subject. I did my senior term paper on the Holacaust could that happen again??? Most definitely, who is to say it is not on some form or another happening now. I could not imagine having a locator chip in me following my every move where people could come and get me at any time. Of course they can anyway right? But really, this scares me. Indonesia is an under developed country…but maybe some country closer to home could imagine this as a preventative measure?? Gads!!!!

Tomorrow is Thursday, I keep telling people that. I do not really celebrate Thanksgiving, my sister was murdered the day after Thanksgiving 9 years ago. So I will get up, and serve food at the Mission then go do all day meetings in AA. Maybe just 1 or 2 but they are avaliable all day. Then I’ll go wash clothes my friend is working so he can have off at Christmas. I thought I could just stay home and feel sorry for myself but decided that would really be no fun.

2 months today in my apt. have settled in and loving life. BTW PXXXX the car is spectacular!!!!  Hope you are feeling better KIDD!

Things have changed alot for some of us…there is no place like home..but home is no more…I haven’t deleted my profile next but it IS coming. I have tried and tried to think what happened and all I can come up with is selfishness. People are just plain forgetting to consider the feelings of others. The postings make me sick to my stomach when I don’t feel as if I am eating bran flakes….PLM is happy because all they really want is our numbers and stats well they have that…what a genius marketing ploy they have going…at least I met some really great people on line,,,you know who you are.

Life has been going along pretty well. after the scare with my viral load shooting up, things are good. I am feeling better slowly getting back my old energy level.Love life is good.  Work can be very trying though..I see misery and pain all day long. Sometimes, I get impatient and just want to shake them. I pull myself in and try and remember everyone deals with this thing differently. All I can do to help is share my story and how I deal.. My side effects can be pretty devastating at times, I have learned to cope..such a Diva am I. Some would have difficulty sharing these embarrasing time with others, but I see in their eyes relief and hope when I do. And they thought I was just a blonde tootsie!!! I am a tough old broad I just don’t quit. I may want to for about 20 seconds but then what?? The cape still fits…. it is who I am. I am the care giver mother of all and it makes me happy. My clients are like my children they are who I relate to they give me hope and stregnth. I will keep doing this thing till I just cant’t anymore. When I hurt too badly, I retreat. I can pull out very quickly.

The two of you that post reg on here mean the world to me. We have had some fun havent we???

Today my best friend and love is celebrating 27 years of sobriety. If anyone drank like I did, they can appreciate the enormity of this. We do this One Day at a Time. He is an honest man, a good man, the first of that kind I have ever been with. He makes me happy and treats me with respect. I have in the past placed myself in situations not healthy for anyone   just because I felt I deserved no better.

I got married at 19 to a man I had known for 6 months. He was very possessive and dominating. The night before we got married, he told me if I ever looked at another man, he would break a coke bottle and fix my face so NO man would ever look at me again. I thought that was romantic. I was young, inexperienced and trying to get away from an alcoholic homelife I felt was beneath me. (More on that later) I jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. In 6 months, he was beating me on a regular basis. By the time our first child was born I was stuck this was 1973 at women mostly still did as they were told, at least in my world. I stayed home for another 5 years, had 2 sons and spent my days in terror. During that time I just kept putting on the pounds to “insulate ” myself from the fear and shame of what was happening to me. I blossomed into a 235lb flower. I was not happy. He was a mean and vile man. I did loose the weight and leave him, but not before I found alcohol. My life changed on that day, I still remember where i was, what I was wearing and what I drank(everything I could) I had my first blackout. Life prety much went south from that  first drink. I was 27. I drank to oblivion until I was 48. Every day, every day a blackout. People really could not see how bad it was because in my blackouts I still functioned just had no memory of what I had done. For a while. Alcohol took over my life, I drank more and more. started to loose things, cars, kids,homes, husbands, finally I lost me. I was happy about that because I hated myself.To this day my children will not speak to me and I will be sober 8 years in  March of 09.

My last night of drinking, I called the crisis hotline, I was going to end it all. If you call I guarantee they will come. Took me to the hospital. In the emergency room, I came face to face with a doctor I had worked for for a few years. He wanted to send me to a rehab, I needed to go home, there was a fifth of vodka on my nightstand I needed to finish. I did, went to the liquor store and bought more. Things get fuzzy here…the next thing I knew my friend Mike was standing over me with his hand reaching down to me asking me “Have you had enough” I had!!!From that day to this, I have not had the desire for a drink.My life is not what it was.If I had known it was going to take 8 years to rebuild what I tore down, I may have never continued on but I did out of fear especially when I got my diagnosis. I knew then the 4 years of sobriety were what was really going to save me.

In my addiction, I did many things I am not proud of .I have spent my time living on the streets.When my peers come to clinic and see me today at first many are skeptical. I do clean up good. After a few times of talking with me, they know what I say to be true. I will never tell you something that is not. All I have to offer is what has happened to me. Alcohol, for me is poison, I am actually allergic to it. When I drink it sets in motion a compulsion and  to drink that I have no control over. So I stay away from it. Today my life is good, different but good. I am a card carrying sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and grateful to be there

Eat or drink lemons and bounce….push God on people …answer distress calls from manic folks who cannot or will not be helped ..

I joined a certain site for support with a problem I had coping and understanding HIV  I had shied away from other sites because of zealots and crazies..not that there’s anything wrong with that..but I can create enough chaos in my own head..I don’t need to read it there when I need solace…so I have shied away from there as well/ Know what, I feel better. I am not so caught up in the drama. I am going to more and more AA meetings because we want me sober and I am just doing life. I peek in from time to time, for I do miss PXXX and the Pink Kid and a few others but I do miss the days when things made sense.

I always wanted to say that….I am so crazy.

Things in my life have really gotten better. Today is officially one month in my new apt. I am settling in nicely, all my things about meto make me feel safe and content. It has been a long time coming..I lived at my last address for 6 years ..I shared a house with another woman in AA. I moved in with her before we knew my status and I was in desperate need of housing. She had rented a room to another woman in AA that did not work out so i moved off the couch into a little suite upstairs. At first all was well, after my diagnosis, things went south real fast. She would turn off the hot water when I ws in the shower a cold shower in an unheated house is baaaaaad. She really had issues. Apparantly so did I because I kept pretending that things were ok or at least I had no options we all have options I am just sometimes too slow to move out of my own way. I have a great man in my life that sometimes has to motivate me (kick my ass) Anyway I am very happy where I am in this point in time.

Thanks Brian and Rod for helping an old lady out…  Boy has on particular web site gone sour or what??? I hae been off for a week and really nothing much has happened  except so glad Jana is safe and her house is ok..

Too many crochety people, too many know it alls for me. Hows about we start our own right here right now??

Say anything I want in a blog right? I am anxiusly waiting for the 24 only a few days now. Most of my stuff has been moved which means most of my clothes I can relate to one wonderful Pink fellow but like Mother Hubbard  My cubbard is bare, me who NEVER wears the same thing in a month of Sundays is doubling up what horrors. I will live and so will everyone else. Might give me some humility in my old age after all.

To be serious for a moment…..No we have enough of that elsewhere. Went to  a circus this weekend. I love the circus, I am not even afraid of the clowns, I always loved the animals especially the elephants I got to ride one when I was little, don’t want to fall and break a hip now so I gladly watch from thesidelines.

Things are all good still in a blip but the immune system is kicking ass, so I will wait this one out too. Life is good love and all truly I am one lucky woman….